Cast of Characters

SFX PEOPLE: Sound Effects People create all sound effects for the show in full view of the audience {similar to a radio drama}. They also play the voice of THE ANNOUNCER, VASH {Nicki's digital dog}, the JEEMAR {a giant sewer dwelling rodent}, and the TRANSPORTER. Ideally there are 2 SFX People.

NICKI: A teenage girl who fancies herself a private eye a la the great 1930's detective novels.

CYBEX: Nicki's little sister. An intelligent, annoying tomboy. Fancies herself a ninja master.

CORY: A innocent boy who has been thrown into intergalactic intrigue. The only truly "normal" person in the play.

SIGNET: A gum-smacking, wise-cracking cyborg secretary. Programmed to annoy. High pitched, New York accent.

CRUEL KARLA: Evil genius, and beautician to the stars, at least that's what her business card says. An old Hollywood diva gone bad. The actor who plays Karla may also play the role of KARLA'S MOTHER on the Lava Pits of Purnea, and MARINKA at Beautician's Reformatory School.

JINKA & JHERIG: Karla's "yes men/fan club" sidekicks. One person who is half male, half female. The actor who plays JINKA & JHERIG may also plays the role of The INTERPRETER on the Lava Pits of Purnea, and SABINE at Beautician's Reformatory School.

DOT COM: The library computer. Presents like an eccentric older woman - the kind who has too many cats.

VICTOR: Dot's pet mouse. Smart-mouthed, and sullen.

THE GILDERFLUKES: The LOUD family on vacation. They form a team of tacky tourists. VEGA, the Mother, extremely loud, and overbearing. XAN, the Father, a henpecked milquetoast. SELKI, a walkman wearing, attitude throwing teenager. MILLIKEN, the complainer, PYXIS, the youngest sibling, irritating yet impish.

THE PROFESSOR: An eccentric, excitable academic. Frenetic energy. Karla's sworn enemy.

MIRANDA: The Professor's assistant. Prone to bouts of melodrama. Terribly, terribly nice.

DEBRAY: A fiery revolutionary. Quick to spout political dogma only he understands.

EXCERPT FROM SCRIPT

Scene: Outside Beauticians' Reformatory School

TRANSPORTER VOICE: {SFX Transporter.} Destination Beautician's Reformatory School. Transportation successful.

NICKI: {In the dark we hear her detective voice}. Beautician's Reformatory School. A city in the sky for beauty school drop outs. Home to hair stylists gone bad. Their most famous graduate, Cruel Karla. {SFX ORGAN BURST}. Quit that!

CORY: I think we're having transport problems again.

CYBEX: What makes you say that? {LIGHTS UP. NICKI, CYBEX and CORY are wearing each other's clothing. CORY wears NICKI'S clothing, CYBEX wears CORY'S clothing, and NICKI wears CYBEX' clothing}.

CORY: Just a guess.

NICKI: Where's Vash?

VASH: Vash!

CORY: Got her.

NICKI: Good. Um, is it just the top layer of clothing?

CORY: No. {Cory pulls at his bra strap}.

NICKI: Oh, great.

CYBEX: Well, there's nothing we can do about it now.

CORY: Can we at least change shoes? {They do}. This place is like a fortress. How do we get in?

NICKI: {MUSIC UP, perhaps the "Mission Impossible" Theme}. The place was a fortress. No windows, no doors. Just an appointment book. I'd heard of breaking out of prison but how do you break in? I was waiting for inspiration to knock when a commotion ripped the night wide open like a cereal box in the hands of a two year old. Out of the darkness, shouts, guards, laser fire. {SFX LASER FIRE. OFFSTAGE SHOUTS, The GANG ducks}. I got the impression that they didn't like me. {More shots, the GANG ducks. CYBEX, CORY and NICKI act out the following dialogue}. Good thing bad guys are always terrible shots. {A shot - Nicki is knocked down. MUSIC OUT - big beat then she sits up}. Except that one. {MUSIC UP}. We hit the ground running. Good thing I dress out in gym. We jumped a rock pile, cleared a fence. We stumbled on a bog thick as cold oatmeal, {SFX FEET IN MUD}. but then we got out. They were fast but we were faster and we would've gotten away too. If it weren't for that hole. {The kids yell and fall down - BLACK OUT. MUSIC OUT}.

CORY: {SFX water dripping. In the darkness.} Where are we?

NICKI: I think we're ...

CYBEX: What smells so bad?

NICKI: ...in the sewer. {LIGHTS UP. On their bellies the gang crawls through a sewer pipe. This can be established with lights, and by having the GANG crawl on from the wings towards center stage}.

CORY & CYBEX: Aw, Man!

VASH: Sewer.

CORY: Get your foot outta my face.

CYBEX: Get your face outta my foot.

VASH: Nicki!

NICKI: I'm kinda busy right now.

VASH: We're not alone.

SFX JEEMAR ROAR OFFSTAGE.

NICKI: Uh oh.

CORY: What happened?

NICKI: {To AUDIENCE}. It was a giant sewer dwelling jeemar.

CORY & CYBEX: A GIANT SEWER DWELLING JEEMAR! {SFX JEEMAR}.

NICKI: You heard me.

CYBEX: I'm only gonna say this once. AAGHHHH!

NICKI: {To AUDIENCE}. I'd gotten a glimpse of its wicked teeth and bloodshot eyes before its mammoth bulk blocked out the light like a grapefruit plugging up a toilet. I knew he had us pegged as a Jeemar snack but I had no intention of ending up in his intestines. Vash, you speak Jeemar?

VASH: French Canadian or Parisian Jeemar?

NICKI: Surprise me.

VASH: Okee dokee.

NICKI: Tell him were Rataslavians and we're poisonous in months with no r's in them. {VASH translates. JEEMAR responds}.

VASH: He says it's March.

NICKI: Well, yeah here - but in Rataslav it's June. {VASH translates. JEEMAR chuckles}.

VASH: He seems amused. But I believe he is toying with you.

CORY: Tell him not to play with his food. {VASH translates. JEEMAR chortles and speaks}.

CYBEX: What did he say?

VASH: He says he'll cut you a deal. He bets he can eat you all in three bites - if he can't he'll let you go.

CYBEX: That seems fair.

CORY: Hey, Jeemar, what's that behind you? {VASH translates. JEEMAR responds}.

VASH: He's says he's not falling for that old trick. If he looks you'll run away.

NICKI: O.K. then tell him we'll go look and he can stay here. {VASH translates.. JEEMAR responds}.

VASH: He says ok, but hurry, He's hungry. {BLACK OUT}.

ANNOUNCER: The adventures of Nicki Steel.

VASH: Nicki.

ANNOUNCER: Will return after this potty break.

VASH: Potty. {SFX TOILET FLUSH.}