Sybil St. Claire -- Original Play: Sweet Polly's Lament

Running Time: 1 1/2 hours
Setting: The Last Chance Ranch {Sweet Polly's House}, The Pasture, The Train Tracks
Cast Size: 15 {6M/9F - some gender flexibility}

Sweet Polly's Lament

"Sweet Polly's Lament" is a raucous, wild ride in the grand melodramatic tradition. There's dirty works afoot, an' things look downright turrible fer Sweet Polly Pureheart and all the little Purehearts babes: Penny, Pansy, Poppy, and Penelope. Yah see, their parents done up an' died in the great blizzard of...well, anyway, they died. Sweet Polly has lost her own true love, and now Phineous, that low down, dirty rotten, not even very nice scoundrel is comin' ta take away the Last Chance Ranch!
The action builds from there with a host of hilarious characters, a toe-tapping musical score and more woe, tragedy and despair than you can shake a stick at. It's a humdinger! A real mudslinger!

Cast of Characters

Sweet Polly Pureheart: Our heroine! A sweet, young girl who must fend for her family. Overacts wildly in the grand melodramatic tradition. Gentrified country accent.

Noble: Our hero! Brave, and handsome but mostly silly. A Canadian Mounty. Also overacts as he attempts to impersonate first a hero, then a girl.

Phineous J. Philpot III: Our villain! He is a no-good, dirty rotten scoundrel, and he thoroughly enjoys being evil! Foppish in manner, English accent. Wears glasses.

Red: Our Narrator. She helps to move the action along. May be played by a boy or a girl. Country accent.

Rebecca Rose: A high-spirited, quick-talking tomboy who takes the long way to say everything! Even though she gets on your nerves you can't help but like Rebecca Rose. Ridiculously thick country accent.

Silas Weatherby: A gold-miner from way-back. Silas is a cranky old man who doesn't remember or hear very well.

Tootie: A smart-mouthed Indian maid. Although, Tootie plays Noble's side-kick., she is actually the brains behind his brawn. American Indian accent.

Penny, Pansy, Poppy, Peggy and Penelope: Sweet Polly's little sisters. They are HAPPY children, and carbon copies of each other, often finishing each other's sentences or speaking and moving as a group. May be played by girls and boys. May also add siblings to this group.

Terrible Ted, Dirty Bruce and Paco: As Phineous' henchmen, they do his dirty work for him. Ted and Bruce are inept bumblers, while Paco is the quiet, sarcastic type. Together, they make up the three stooges. Ted and Bruce have thick country accents, Paco has a Mexican accent.

MUSICAL NUMBERS

ACT I
Dirty Works {Company}
Sweet Polly's Lament {Polly & Sisters}
Phineous J. Philpot III {Phineous & Henchmen}
Way Back When {Polly}
Havin' Me A Real Good Time {Rebecca Rose}

ACT II
Hero for Hire {Noble & Sisters}
Get This Straight {Polly & Noble}
Way Back When Reprise {Phineous & Noble}
Better Think Quick {The Henchmen}
Slam Square Dancin' {Red, Phineous & Company}
Bobby Sue, Bobby Sue {Silas}
Dirty Works Reprise {Red & Company}
Way Back When Reprise {Polly & Noble}

EXCERPT FROM SCRIPT

{ENTER Sweet Polly from inside the house}.

SWEET POLLY: Oh, my, It's Phineous J. Philpot III. He's come to collect the rent and I don't have it. Whatever shall I do?

PHINEOUS: My dear Sweet Polly, always a pleasure to see you. {He barges in and makes himself at home}.

SWEET POLLY: Just make yourself at home Mr. Philpot.

PHINEOUS: Please, Sweet Polly, call me... Phineous.

PACO: {To AUDIENCE}. Smoooooth!

PHINEOUS: I'm afraid my business here is terribly troublesome.

PACO: {To AUDIENCE}. Gives ya the chills don't he? Sweet Polly's Lament, written and directed by Sybil St. Claire.

PHINEOUS: I've come for the rent. {TO AUDIENCE}. HA! She doesn't have it, of this I am certain!

BRUCE: Who's he talkin' to?

SWEET POLLY: I'm afraid Mr. Phil-, uh, Phineous, that I'm a little bit short this month.

TED: {Looking her up and down}. She looks the same ta me!

PACO: {TO AUDIENCE}. No brain, no headache.

PHINEOUS: {TO AUDIENCE}. I own the bank and soon, very soon, I shall own the Last Chance Ranch and this house! Then Sweet Polly will be mine! ALL MINE! {PHINEOUS laughs evilly, out of control. With great effort he stops himself. Clearing his throat:} Sorry. Sweet Polly, it truly pains me to hear of your, uh, dilemma, but I'm afraid I have no choice. I shall have to repossess the Ranch and this house.

SWEET POLLY: No, please! You wouldn't put the children out on the street ta starve?

TED: Sure he would.

PHINEOUS: Silence, fool.

BRUCE: Oooo, burn! {BRUCE and TED get into a slapping fight}.

PHINEOUS: {TO SWEET POLLY}. Excuse me. {To BRUCE and TED}. You're embarrassing me.

BRUCE & TED: Sorry, Boss. {BRUCE and TED continue the slap fight as soon as PHINEOUS turns away}.

PHINEOUS: That's it! Leave, just go away. You heard me, shoo, shoo! Exit stage left, hasty retreat. Vamoose. GET OUT! {EXIT HENCHMEN bowing and apologizing. PHINEOUS drops to one knee and begins to kiss up SWEET POLLY'S arm.} Sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, Sweet Polly, it doesn't have to be this way. You know that I love you.

RED: Excuse me I have to be sick. {RED leans over and makes retching noises. Then sweetly:} All better now.

SWEET POLLY: Phineous, you know I love another. {LOST LOVE MUSIC}.

PHINEOUS: {Of the music}. Did you hear something? Well, where is he? Waiting in the wings to come save the day? That simpering toady. I think not!

SWEET POLLY: You know my folks wouldn't let us be together, so he set out on his own to make good. He promised he'd return ta me...one day...and I know that he will!

PHINEOUS: That two-bit carpetbagger, he's been gone for... {PHINEOUS counts on his fingers} many fingers. Besides, I don't want to talk about him. I want to talk about US! {SWEET POLLY tries to speak}. Shhh, do not speak. Marry me Sweet Polly. {Kissing up her arm}. Sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, Sweet Polly.

SWEET POLLY: Well, you do have a way with words.

PHINEOUS: I own the bank, if you marry me I shall give back the ranch and this house. {To AUDIENCE}. In a pig's eye! {To POLLY} And I'll take care of all the little Purehearts too. {To AUDIENCE} It's off to the orphanage for those snot-nosed brats! {To POLLY} No, do not answer. Think about it my love. I shall come for you answer on the morrow.Goodnight then Sweet Polly. {Kissing up her arm}. Sweet, sweet...

SWEET POLLY: Phineous, I get the idea.

PHINEOUS: Yes, well...you can lead a life of opulence and ostentatious wealth or you can starve to death in the streets. The choice is yours. {EXIT PHINEOUS, into SWEET POLLY'S house, then peeking back in}. No pressure or anything! {PHINEOUS closes the door then RE-ENTERS}. This is your house isn't it? {EXIT PHINEOUS. SWEET POLLY sits down on the porch and looks up at the night sky.}

SWEET POLLY: Star light, star bright... {MUSIC UP}.

WAY BACK WHEN
SWEET POLLY: I used to believe in wishing on a star.
Sweet Polly's Lament, written and directed by Sybil St. Claire. I used to believe in once upon a time.
I was young then, way back when,
And all the magic in the world was mine.

I used to believe in love at first sight.
I used to believe that wrong could be made right.
I was young then, way back when,
And all the magic in the world was mine.

I made a wish and you came true.
I dared to dream, I dreamed of you.
I still remember your sweet touch on my face.
I still remember our final embrace.

And though my love will never die I must at last say my good-bye.
We were young then, way back when...

{Speaking} Star light, star bright, first star I... {Unable to go on.} ... I miss you.

{Singing} and all the magic in the world was ours. {END SONG. EXIT SWEET POLLY crying}.

RED: {Crying from the song}. Excuse me. {RED blows her nose loud and long}. It's gonna be a long night fer Sweet Polly and all the little Purehearts, Penny, Pansy, Poppy, Peggy, and Penelope. {Smiling broadly THE PUREHEART BABES peek out respectively}.

SWEET POLLY: {Offstage} Children!

PUREHEART BABES: Comin' Sweet Polly. {EXIT PUREHEART BABES}.