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Cast of Characters Prince Ted: The Frog Prince. Ted is alternately a vain fop, a wildly over-acted "nice guy," and a sad, lonely frog with an upper-crust English accent. Princess Bliss: The beautiful Princess who adopts Ted. She is respectively the kind Princess of fairy tale lore, an obnoxious, love-struck giggler, and a spoiled brat. Solitaire: The true hero of our story. In the first two versions she is the cackling, evil crone we love to hate. In the final installment, Solitaire appears as a beautiful young woman with magical abilities. It is her incantation that is instrumental in teaching Ted a lesson in love. Vito: Ted's bodyguard. An Italian thug with an impressive vocabulary. Deadpan in delivery. Thick Brooklyn accent. Ditto & Ibid: Solitaire's apprentices. Overly friendly "yes women," They speak quickly and nervously with rapid fire exchanges. Gender flexible. Belle: Bliss' maid. Thick cockney accent. Brash and no-nonsense. The Narrators: There are four Narrators. Although they rarely interact directly with the actors they often walk right into the middle of scenes. Gender flexible. Marcie: A shy, somewhat "nerdy" girl frog. Speaks with a slight, endearing lisp. Note: All accents are merely suggestions, not necessities. {At rise we see the woods with a gazebo sitting down left. A bridge up right.} NARRATOR: #1 {Entering with Narrators #2 - #4} Once upon a time, there lived a handsome young Prince. {ENTER TED and VITO} NARRATOR # 2: Whose name was Ted. NARRATOR # 3: Prince Ted was a kind young man. NARRATOR # 4: And much beloved by the honest people of his land. {TED offers his hand for VITO to kiss. NARRATOR #1: Once upon a time, there lived a handsome young Prince. {ENTER TED and VITO} NARRATOR # 2: Whose name was Ted. NARRATOR # 3: Prince Ted was a kind young man. NARRATOR #4: And much beloved by the honest people of his land. {TED offers his hand for VITO to kiss} NARRATOR # 1: But he had one flaw. NARRATOR #4: He was terribly vain. TED: {VITO holds a mirror up for TED} Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all? {In a falsetto voice} You are, you strapping, young buck. {Sighing, then in his own voice} I thought so. {TED kisses his own reflection in the mirror. To the NARRATORS} Are you sure that's how the story goes? NARRATOR #2: It is now. {EXIT NARRATORS #3 and #4, counting their money} NARRATOR #1: As fate would have it, one day while Ted was admiring himself in the mirror, he happened upon an ugly and cruel witch named Solitaire. {ENTER SOLITAIRE followed closely by DITTO and IBID} NARRATOR #2: Now Solitaire hated everything that was beautiful and when she saw Prince Ted flush with the beauty and strength of youth, her heart was filled with venom. SOLITAIRE: Hello. NARRATOR #1: She lied. SOLITAIRE: How are you today, my beauty? NARRATOR #2: She hissed. SOLITAIRE: Hisssssss. TED: I am fine good hag. SOLITAIRE: My name is Solitaire. DITTO: What about us Boss? DITTO AND IBID: US, US, US! What about us?. SOLITAIRE: Patience! My apprentices, Ditto and Ibid. TED: Good tidings. DITTO: Hey, how ya doin'? IBID: What's happenin'? DITTO: Slap me five, dude. DITTO AND IBID: Far out! TED: This is my royal bodyguard, Vito. VITO: Yo! TED: How art thou today? IBID: Whoa, dig that lingo! DITTO: Totally rad. IBID: I'm hangin'. DITTO: It's cool. IBID: {Of TED'S clothing} Hey, ultimate threads man. SOLITAIRE: He wasn't talking to you! DITTO: Hey I can dig that. IBID: I'm chillin'. DITTO: That's a big ten four, good buddy! IBID: Great threads though, hey? DITTO: Just tryin' to be friendly. IBID: Always strive to be neighborly. DITTO AND IBID: Good idea, don't ya think? SOLITAIRE: No! DITTO: Terrible idea. IBID: What idiot thought of that? {They point to each other inconspicuously} SOLITAIRE: Button it. TED: {Bowing grandly}Prince Ted at your service, fair troll. DITTO: She's not a troll. IBID: She's a witch. VITO: {To IBID who has gotten a little too close to TED} Back off chump. SOLITAIRE: I'm a Sorceress, a great Sorceress. The Sorceress Solitaire. DITTO: Actually, that's rather dated. IBID: Sorceress is a diminutive connoting smallness or insignificance. DITTO: Like 'Smurfette.' IBID: It's insulting in terms of female equality. VITO: Yo, Prince, it's time for the royal bubble bath {He holds out a rubber duck and squeaks it} TED: The royal bubble bath? I'm sorry but I must be swift, no time to tarry. SOLITAIRE: Oh, but we were just getting acquainted. Must you leave so soon, my pretty? NARRATOR #1: She cackled gleefully {SOLITAIRE cackles} and her thoughts were dark thoughts. VITO: Ya, he must. {To TED} Or he'll get the royal butt kicking. SOLITAIRE: It's so seldom that I have such... handsome company. Stay for just a moment longer. NARRATOR #2: Now, Prince Ted was a sucker for a compliment and could hardly resist any invitation that included his being handsome. {EXIT NARRATORS} TED: Well, perhaps... {TED spots DITTO and IBID frantically gesturing that he should leave. SOLITAIRE catches them trying to warn TED. DITTO and IBID pretend they are swatting at flies}. SOLITAIRE: {Explaining their gestures} Ha, ha, uhhh, aerobics! {She does a little aerobics herself} TED: {Finally sensing danger} On second thought, I really must be off. I have a date with the Macintosh twins tonight, and then there's the royal bubble bath. I do so love the royal bubble bath. Calgon take me away! SOLITAIRE: So, you do not find me beautiful? TED: Well, I... SOLITAIRE: I am not pretty enough for you? TED: It, it, it's just... SOLITAIRE: You do not want to KISS ME? TED: What was that middle part again? SOLITAIRE: TOAD! DITTO: Whoa! IBID: Mellow! DITTO and IBID: {Meditating} Ommmmmm. SOLITAIRE: You are handsome only on the outside! DITTO: {To SOLITAIRE} Try it with me. DITTO AND IBID: Ommmmmm. SOLITAIRE: You'll live to regret this. VITO: Yo, let's go. TED: She can't treat me like that. {Beat} Vito, stomp her into oblivion! VITO: Nope. TED: {Whining} Vito, you have to. I'm the Prince, you have to do what I say. VITO: Forget it. TED: Heads will roll, Vito, heads will roll. Very well then, I'll tend to this matter myself. {Making a great show of gathering himself together, then to SOLITAIRE} Shoo, shoo, go away. I'll get my Father to banish you! SOLITAIRE: You gonna get your daddy to banish me? I'll turn him into a newt! TED {Disbelieving}: Go on. SOLITAIRE: But YOU, you won't be so lucky. No, you will be made to suffer. TED: I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off of me and back onto you. {SOLITAIRE screams in rage.} VITO: Prince, perhaps we should beat a hasty retreat. TED: Prince Ted never... retreats. {Sing songy} Big nose, big nose! Nanny nanny boo boo. VITO: That's telling her. SOLITAIRE: Oh yes, first I'll pluck out your eyes with one of those cast iron fire pokers, then I'll shred your tongue with those really big hedge trimmers! TED: That's a little extreme isn't it? SOLITAIRE: Next, next, I'll pour acid in your ears and burn your brain, what there is of it, to a crisp. Oh and then, then I'll... TED: Well, it's been a treat but I really must be off. RUN AWAY!!!! {EXIT TED and VITO} SOLITAIRE: YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE! {To herself} Yes, go to your bubble bath. I hope you get water logged. I hope you get a... bubble up your nose! {SOLITAIRE laughs wickedly. Big beat. To DITTO} Do you think I have a big nose? DITTO: Compared to what? {ENTER VITO running, he grabs the mirror, and EXITS} SOLITAIRE: Have a nice bath... TOAD!!! {She laughs maniacally} Wait a minute. Water, toad... I'll turn him into a frog! Yeah, We'll see how many Princesses want to kiss him then! {SOLITAIRE begins her incantation, accompanied by a silly little dance} Eye of newt, hair of bat, just a pinch of chicken fat! {EXIT SOLITAIRE chanting and dancing, followed by DITTO and IBID. Though worried they eventually join in on the chant as they EXIT} NARRATOR #4 {ENTERING}: Well, you don't have to be Einstein to figure out what happened next. The minute he hit the royal bubble bath... NARRATOR #3 {Hopping on-stage like a frog}: Ribbittt! Ribbittt! NARRATOR #4: Prince Ted found himself friendless, homeless... NARRATOR #3: ...And not terribly attractive either. NARRATOR #4: He hopped off in abject sorrow to live among the lily pads. He knew he must find a Princess who would kiss him in order to break the spell. NARRATOR 3: Since that's the common cure for frog curses. NARRATOR #4: But where? A kiss given freely and with love was to be his only salvation. |
